The Double Standard

One of the conflicts that has arisen is the question of drinking and/or smoking. It's a delicate situation, and for the guy it's a lose-lose. Let me preface it by saying I understand 100% that I've got to quit smoking - certainly before this child takes it's first breath. I'm working on it, I'm cutting back, but frankly I'm not too serious about it just yet.

The problem is this: I want to go out. Now those of you that know me know I've never really been the big "lets go to the bar" guy. I prefer a place that is quiet enough to talk, and has enough seating to be comfortable. I'm never going to be the guy that shuts down Raiford's.

I'm also the guy that prefers the company of his partner. What I mean is, if all things are equal I would prefer Emily come with me to do whatever it is I'm doing - running errands, eating dinner, going to the movies, or even going to the bar. I'm not the guy that needs to be let loose to run around with the guys. Hell, other than a "guy's night" dinner once a month, I never make plans that specifically exclude my better-half, or the better-half of my friends.

In the chaos that has ensued following the revelation that I'm going to be a father, there has been very little (if any) "going out" beyond a stop at Bardog after work before I head home. It's not so much that I've made a decision to avoid it, but I'd rather spend my free time (and expendable income) doing other things. Well Saturday Night I decided it was time to go out, and I wanted Emily to come along.

She hasn't been feeling well, to say the least, over the last 6 weeks. She's constantly fighting nausea, stomach cramps, fatigue and a general morass. Compounding the problem is that she's obviously not drinking or smoking - in the interest of Job, our future life-in-being. She doesn't mind if I'm drinking, though she has mastered the "stink-eye" for when I smoke a cigarette (which is never in her direct presence).

Saturday night, as we're getting ready she comes into the office and says: "How about you choose one thing not to do tonight - drinking or smoking."

I reacted poorly. I was dumbfounded by the request. Irritated at the suggestion. I've been working my ass off in the office and expending considerable emotional and physical resources adapting to our new relationship and pending parenthood. I think I was so bothered by the suggestion that I should abstain from one or the other because I felt entitled to go out and enjoy myself for one night. (Aside: if "entitlement" is the best rationale you can come up with, you're probably wrong). I'd asked her to come along because I enjoy myself more with her company than without. Needless to say, she was not pleased by my response.

A period of brief, awkward and painful silence followed. It took only a moment for me to realize that I'd handled the situation wrong. That's the thing though - other than saying "sure, I'll abstain from X" there is no acceptable response. In the position of the father-to-be, you're stripped of the "inequity" card. Literally everything I thought about saying was obviously unacceptable:

"I haven't gotten to go out and drink in a long time, and frankly I really want to be able to smoke and enjoy myself - it's been weeks."

Fail.

"That's not fair - I'm not pregnant."

Uber-Fail. 

Ultimately, I feel there must be a little quid pro quo. A woman's frustration about not being able to do certain things or partake in certain things does not have to be shared by both parties. Undoubtedly this is a very stressful and difficult time for the father-to-be, even though it pales in comparison to the struggles of the mother-to-be.

In the end, the struggle for both parties - and bystanders - is to remember to evaluate each new challenge with empathy and understanding. It's not enough to know how you feel about something, and even to maturely articulate it - you must go the extra mile to stop and consider how your partner feels and what effect your statements and/or actions will have on them.

And then - defer to her.

Fear of the Unknown

People often suggest that fear is driven by a lack of knowledge and/or familiarity. This could never be more true than when the subject is pregnancy - particularly for the man.

Unlike women - who spend their lives with some familiar of the general concepts of pregnancy, and thinking about their future/prospective pregnancy - most men have little or no understanding of the biology of making a baby (beyond the moment of conception - we spend our lives thinking about that part). For that reason (aside from perhaps the shock related to social implications) the most profound emotion the man will experience in the beginning is that of fear.

Suddenly you are confronted with internal dialogue overwhelmed in uncertainty. Here are some examples:

Internal Dialogue 1: Okay. I know she can't drink or smoke. I know that because that's just something I've always heard. That's easy enough. Wait. What happens if she does? Why is it bad? I've heard of "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome" but I don't know what it is, what it causes or how to prevent it. Probably just 100% abstinence, right? Wait - we went out drinking three or four times before we found out...does that mean it's too late? I kind of need a drink...

Internal Dialogue 2: So this baby is growing in her womb. Not her stomach. Got it. And there are some things she can eat which are good for the fetus. Check. Wait, what are they? Wait, what are the bad ones? Wait, what have I already fed her in the last 5 weeks? Wait, what will that cause? When will I know if I've ruined the fetus with my mediocre pork tenderloin? I can't believe I had to settle on pork tenderloin...what grocery runs out of boneless/skinless chicken breasts? Wait, what was I just thinking about? I know it was important... 

Internal Dialogue 3: I was looking at my "Pregnant Dad" app on my iPhone and it said "Congratulations! It's week 10! Most major birth defects form in the first 9 weeks, so if everything is okay, you're likely in the clear and you can take a deep breath." What a relief! Wait... hold the phones! What happens in the first 9 weeks? What causes it? How do we know if we're in the clear? I know we need to see the doctor, but what if it's too late? How come nobody told me that the first 9 weeks were the critical ones? I thought they said the second trimester was the big one? I'm kind of hungry...

You see, its rather horrifying. I'm sure that a semester of obstetrics at the Medical School would probably go a long way towards relieving some tension, but who has the time for that? I've got mountains of books that would probably give me some insight, but frankly every time I read them I just become more overwhelmed by how much I don't know.

The best way to describe it is like you're walking into a law school final exam unprepared. You know that it's a Torts exam, and you know generally what subject matter was discussed. You've seen a skeleton outline for the semester, but you don't have any of the detail. You think you can BS your way through it, but there is a lingering fear that the lack of knowledge will be glaring when you omit some very obvious and necessary point from your essay.

I keep reminding myself that homosapiens have been birthing children for tens of thousands of years, largely without our fancy organic foods and hypochondriac driven medical care. Hell, I saw a woman on the news the other day that had a baby but didn't know she was pregnant! If that baby came out with 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 10 fingers and 10 toes then my little fetus has a fighting chance.

This little mantra has not really helped quell my fear and anxiety, but it has helped with my behavior. It's just enough of a reality-check to keep me from harassing Emily day-and-night about her sleeping habits, eating habits, etc. - which is not to say there is anything wrong with them.

In the end, the way to overcome these feelings is to educate yourself. Remind yourself that you aren't just reading these books and going to doctor's appointments to appease your partner - you're doing it so that you understand the process and hopefully can relax and enjoy it.

The best and perhaps only way, however, is to have experienced it once - never again will this all be new.