Unlike women - who spend their lives with some familiar of the general concepts of pregnancy, and thinking about their future/prospective pregnancy - most men have little or no understanding of the biology of making a baby (beyond the moment of conception - we spend our lives thinking about that part). For that reason (aside from perhaps the shock related to social implications) the most profound emotion the man will experience in the beginning is that of fear.
Suddenly you are confronted with internal dialogue overwhelmed in uncertainty. Here are some examples:
Internal Dialogue 1: Okay. I know she can't drink or smoke. I know that because that's just something I've always heard. That's easy enough. Wait. What happens if she does? Why is it bad? I've heard of "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome" but I don't know what it is, what it causes or how to prevent it. Probably just 100% abstinence, right? Wait - we went out drinking three or four times before we found out...does that mean it's too late? I kind of need a drink...
Internal Dialogue 2: So this baby is growing in her womb. Not her stomach. Got it. And there are some things she can eat which are good for the fetus. Check. Wait, what are they? Wait, what are the bad ones? Wait, what have I already fed her in the last 5 weeks? Wait, what will that cause? When will I know if I've ruined the fetus with my mediocre pork tenderloin? I can't believe I had to settle on pork tenderloin...what grocery runs out of boneless/skinless chicken breasts? Wait, what was I just thinking about? I know it was important...
Internal Dialogue 3: I was looking at my "Pregnant Dad" app on my iPhone and it said "Congratulations! It's week 10! Most major birth defects form in the first 9 weeks, so if everything is okay, you're likely in the clear and you can take a deep breath." What a relief! Wait... hold the phones! What happens in the first 9 weeks? What causes it? How do we know if we're in the clear? I know we need to see the doctor, but what if it's too late? How come nobody told me that the first 9 weeks were the critical ones? I thought they said the second trimester was the big one? I'm kind of hungry...
You see, its rather horrifying. I'm sure that a semester of obstetrics at the Medical School would probably go a long way towards relieving some tension, but who has the time for that? I've got mountains of books that would probably give me some insight, but frankly every time I read them I just become more overwhelmed by how much I don't know.
The best way to describe it is like you're walking into a law school final exam unprepared. You know that it's a Torts exam, and you know generally what subject matter was discussed. You've seen a skeleton outline for the semester, but you don't have any of the detail. You think you can BS your way through it, but there is a lingering fear that the lack of knowledge will be glaring when you omit some very obvious and necessary point from your essay.
I keep reminding myself that homosapiens have been birthing children for tens of thousands of years, largely without our fancy organic foods and hypochondriac driven medical care. Hell, I saw a woman on the news the other day that had a baby but didn't know she was pregnant! If that baby came out with 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 10 fingers and 10 toes then my little fetus has a fighting chance.
This little mantra has not really helped quell my fear and anxiety, but it has helped with my behavior. It's just enough of a reality-check to keep me from harassing Emily day-and-night about her sleeping habits, eating habits, etc. - which is not to say there is anything wrong with them.
In the end, the way to overcome these feelings is to educate yourself. Remind yourself that you aren't just reading these books and going to doctor's appointments to appease your partner - you're doing it so that you understand the process and hopefully can relax and enjoy it.
The best and perhaps only way, however, is to have experienced it once - never again will this all be new.
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