The problem is this: I want to go out. Now those of you that know me know I've never really been the big "lets go to the bar" guy. I prefer a place that is quiet enough to talk, and has enough seating to be comfortable. I'm never going to be the guy that shuts down Raiford's.
I'm also the guy that prefers the company of his partner. What I mean is, if all things are equal I would prefer Emily come with me to do whatever it is I'm doing - running errands, eating dinner, going to the movies, or even going to the bar. I'm not the guy that needs to be let loose to run around with the guys. Hell, other than a "guy's night" dinner once a month, I never make plans that specifically exclude my better-half, or the better-half of my friends.
In the chaos that has ensued following the revelation that I'm going to be a father, there has been very little (if any) "going out" beyond a stop at Bardog after work before I head home. It's not so much that I've made a decision to avoid it, but I'd rather spend my free time (and expendable income) doing other things. Well Saturday Night I decided it was time to go out, and I wanted Emily to come along.
She hasn't been feeling well, to say the least, over the last 6 weeks. She's constantly fighting nausea, stomach cramps, fatigue and a general morass. Compounding the problem is that she's obviously not drinking or smoking - in the interest of Job, our future life-in-being. She doesn't mind if I'm drinking, though she has mastered the "stink-eye" for when I smoke a cigarette (which is never in her direct presence).
Saturday night, as we're getting ready she comes into the office and says: "How about you choose one thing not to do tonight - drinking or smoking."
I reacted poorly. I was dumbfounded by the request. Irritated at the suggestion. I've been working my ass off in the office and expending considerable emotional and physical resources adapting to our new relationship and pending parenthood. I think I was so bothered by the suggestion that I should abstain from one or the other because I felt entitled to go out and enjoy myself for one night. (Aside: if "entitlement" is the best rationale you can come up with, you're probably wrong). I'd asked her to come along because I enjoy myself more with her company than without. Needless to say, she was not pleased by my response.
A period of brief, awkward and painful silence followed. It took only a moment for me to realize that I'd handled the situation wrong. That's the thing though - other than saying "sure, I'll abstain from X" there is no acceptable response. In the position of the father-to-be, you're stripped of the "inequity" card. Literally everything I thought about saying was obviously unacceptable:
"I haven't gotten to go out and drink in a long time, and frankly I really want to be able to smoke and enjoy myself - it's been weeks."
Fail.
"That's not fair - I'm not pregnant."
Uber-Fail.
Ultimately, I feel there must be a little quid pro quo. A woman's frustration about not being able to do certain things or partake in certain things does not have to be shared by both parties. Undoubtedly this is a very stressful and difficult time for the father-to-be, even though it pales in comparison to the struggles of the mother-to-be.
In the end, the struggle for both parties - and bystanders - is to remember to evaluate each new challenge with empathy and understanding. It's not enough to know how you feel about something, and even to maturely articulate it - you must go the extra mile to stop and consider how your partner feels and what effect your statements and/or actions will have on them.
And then - defer to her.
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