As I got 3 days away from Memphis to get some quiet/alone time for the first time, I began to freak out about this whole thing. I mean - talk about a life changing event! No matter how things play out with Emily and I, my life will be forever changed by this child's birth. I know it will be an amazing change, and that once I lay eyes on that child I will be forever a different person.
That being said - I'm not yet. I'm still an immature 27-year-old who tries to act and sound mature, who tries to make responsible decisions while at the same time fighting the inner child that just wants to throw his hands up and have a tantrum.
This reached a head on Sunday morning.
I want to have this child. Honestly. Entirely. Truly. My concerns have stemmed only from my concerns about the prospect of (a) raising this child on my own, (b) raising this child in a home where Emily and I are not happy or (c) being forced to keep a distance and let Emily raise the child while I send checks. These options are not necessarily good ones. They are also not the only ones. Emily and I could fall madly in love and this would become the fairy-tale that it isn't quite yet. On the other hand, Emily and I could agree that we don't work as a couple, but do work as friends and can co-parent this child while each moving on towards our own happiness.
However, in the heat of the moment, I was unable to see the potential positive outcomes and instead harped on the potential negative ones. You know when you're sitting there, with one thing and one thing only roaring through your head - something you just feel like you have to say...That's where I was. Echoing inside of my head was the single question...or statement.
There are two ways to have this conversation - the right way and the wrong way.
Right Way -
J: Hey Emily, could we talk for a few minutes? I've got something on my mind.
E: Of course, what is it?
J: I am worried you won't like the sound of it, but I also feel that it is important for me to be honest with you.
E: You be honest with me and we'll deal with the substance as best we can.- or -
Wrong Way -
J: I don't think we should have this child.
E: What?!?
J: I just don't think we are emotionally or financially prepared for what we're taking on.
E: Well you've been the one who is gung-ho, opening bank accounts, meeting family...this just seems out of the blue.
J: I know...Well, I did it the wrong way. Instead of sparking a meaningful and important discussion about what options may be available too us, such as adoption or abortion, I acted like a total ass. I took what could have been an opportunity for us to grow closer through a serious and meaningful conversation and turned it into a fight.
Should I have tried to have that conversation two weeks earlier, before things got out of hand? Of course. Should I have started the conversation with a little lead-in? Of course.
Unfortunately, I didn't. As a result, while the substantive portion of the conversation was had, it was had with a series of defensive and personal remarks.
There is a lesson here for all of you - when you find yourself in an unenviable position of needing to bring up a topic of conversation that is going to be unpopular, it is of critical importance that you take the time to lay the foundation for a conversation instead of an argument.
It's going to happen to you, at some point. No matter the status between you and your partner, and no matter your status in life - a point will arise where you just say "Wait! Is this the correct course of action?" Well it may or may not be, but the way you start that conversation will go a long way in deciding the impact of the subject on your relationship with your friends, family, child and partner.
So be careful. Be thoughtful. But still be honest.
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